What have I became?

What have I became? Green Eyed monster? Had I given up? All I know is that I need to find myself back. I have sink into the pool of black jealousy, unhappiness and pain. Happy Kevin had disappeared, replaced by a dark and gloomy inner self. For the moment that I was baptised, I thought I've rested my burden. Yet I had sink even deeper with the fear of losing you. Holding on to a false senses of hope which I had given myself, with that renew strength that was given on a wrong cause?


At this point, I can't give anymore with this broken down self. As much as I don't want or wish to, I need to do this. For you and for me. The answer that you are to give never came and time frame was long over due, the time frame I promised had reached and yet when I renewed it, I just don't have the strength to last thru the pain. Like you had said, if I had gone after you long back then, I guess we might not be where we are now in this current moment.

I can say now I finally understand how the other Kev must have felt when he realized that I'm seeing you back then. Had I became someone who I never want to be and God had given the chance to feel it myself? Damn it is a painful process and yet I think the other Kev was lucky coz he doesn’t not have to feel the pain when he sees the pictures I see now. Or maybe the pain that he felt was the same or even more?

I still remember all moments which we had shared, the promises I had made and I do not want these to come to pass. But at this very moment, it all had became to painful to bear and I don't want to wear a mask every time I see you with David, every picture of you and him, him kissing you. Knowing the moments that he gets to spend with you.

I'm disappointed with myself for the way I spoke to you when U asked why I'm smoking again and when you changed that meeting day. For that reason, I've decide that I need to break away as I have thought in Korea. It will not benefit Us anymore, even if you say you will leave David and be with me now. Need to break away to kill that that monster growing in me now. The whole relationship had swing out of the correct balance.

I need to find back myself, my real self that is not this green eyed monster... Who knows what God has in plan for our future, but now I'll trust it in his hands...